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i've been pretty depressed lately. work. home. self loathe and repeat. that's my life right now. i just got home from work a bit ago. im off tonight and back on tomorrow. how LAME. having one day off is stupid/pointless. it completely throws off my sleeping which is why im still awake.


i went to a family party on saturday. family from my dad's side. family i never see. family who for the most part, are fucking strangers to me. i don't like most of them. i feel like i can now go 328239 years without seeing most of them and i'd be fine cause i just saw them. the party was pretty lame. had two beers and sat around and watched as people danced, socialized and whatever else. it was too mexican. almost shamefully mexican. haha it was kind of stereotypical with the music and the attire that some people showed up in like the boots and the damn cowboy hats not to mention the 28947287 kids that were running around. i felt like i was gonna have an anxiety attack or something surrounded by all that "culture". i wasn't there for long. that's pretty much all that's new/going on with me.

works the same and my brain is still mush. i'm still angry at myself. still annoyed with my bad judgement and my mood has pretty much been unpredictable which is why i've spent most of my time alone and/or sleeping.


blahblahblah.

i just want to feel better.

rabble.
 
 
 
 
 
 
like the way i feel lately. i know it comes with everything that happened. it comes with me still adjusting to my new work schedule. it comes with the daily stresses i have at work. it comes with the non-realistic balance i'm supposed to have with everything. it comes with the guilt.
the fucking sickening guilt.


whatever.


i can't stop thinking about my past lately. i can't stop thinking about the people i've hurt. wondering what they're doing. if they're okay and hoping to god that they really did forget about me.

forget about me. forget i ever happened.
about an hour ago my heart was breaking in my sleep and i was forced to wake up, which is a shame cause that's the reason i was asleep in the first place to escape my reality. all it did this time though was remind me of other shit i've fucked up on. and then there's the constant wondering. the what if's and the wishing i could go back and never do any of it. never meet you, never get to know you, never grow to like you and more importantly never lie to get you to like me back. its so juvenile. so cliche. so incredibly pathetic. it was so long ago too but the wounds are still as painful.


i have but no idea what in the world will make me feel better, or better yet when i'll feel okay again.
 
 
 
 
 
 
why the fuck do i have to be a cliche? get wasted and hook up with someone who's going to bring nothing but regret and self loathing into me once i'm sober.

yeah i pretty much walked right into that shit. i hooked up with him on my 21st birthday after only meeting him two hours beforehand. and a couple of days ago was the first time we saw each other since then and look what happened.


ugh i feel so gross. i'm so over this bullshit i keep creating for myself.

i'm having trouble sleeping. geez, i wonder why.
 
 
 
 
 
 
i don't know why im so annoyed right now. maybe because its hot out. maybe because my car is so fucking filthy. maybe its because i have to work tonight and i don't feel like i even slept these last couple of days. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

i just don't feel well right now. i got up early, i took my paycheck to the bank, i cleaned the house, i ate...and now what? haha i'm so annoyed.

yesterday was fun. i had drinks with maricela at el torito. we had one cadillac margarita after another and proceeded to get a bit hammered. it was fun. after that i came home and took a nap (my drunk ass needed it) and woke up downed two bottles water and went to the movies with diana. i'm such a pimp, two dates on the same day. haha

hanging out with girls can be fun, i just really never had many girl friends. not since high school anyway. i know there are certain type of girls that i could never get along with and will always clash with, those are ones i don't even bother to be friends with. but its been nice so far. i think there's five of us girls so far that are going to alaska. what's there to do in alaska? i don't know but im excited to peek out of my cabin window and look over at russia.

old joke yet, still funny.

im a bit weary/nervous about work tonight. im in the back of the ER AND with the swine flu nonsense i know i'm gonna get my ass kicked. im exhausted at the thought.

i should probably take a nap and start drinking coffee at nine tonight.

ugh cheers.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I knew it. I fucking knew I would love to work the graveyard shift. I know myself all too well. Nocturnal? I believe so! I didn't think the night shift got busy but hell was I wrong. I like the independent feel working nights has to it. You get to work, get it done and get out of there as soon as you're done.

The past few nights have been fucking awful. We've had record breaking number of patients in the ER everyday because everyone rushes in there thinking they have the fucking swine flu. THEY DON'T! Not yet anyway...whenever it does hit though I'm hella sure I'll be one of the first ones carrying that shit just cause we get people coughing on us, wiping their noses with their hands and then handing us forms, using our pens to sign and yadda fucking yadda.
 
These past few nights are perfect examples of why i sometimes HATE my job. ick

Ugh i'm so tired and i'm off for two days :D

i cannot wait to get fitshaced...ready. to. get. stupid.

hanging out with diana and jacky tonight yay...the three of us are going to alaska! trip planning is in the works :D

sigh. its almost noon; almost bedtime. i'm crashing.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I had such a long weekend. It was gorgeous out and I was stuck working the 15:00 shift in the ER both days. :/

I feel good today. and i hope im not jinxing it so far. I slept a lot last night and today's my day off.
I got a  lot of shit done last week, last minute of course. vehicle registration, taxes, new car insurance, etc. so I FINALLY get to relax on my day off. I'll be heading out to the mall in a few minutes. Just waiting for Ricky to get here. Its his mom's birthday on Saturday and my mom's birthday on Sunday so we're on the hunt for some gifts.

Boxed wine seems to be my favorite thing lately. I've converted some friends a long the way too. It seems to be the only thing I want to drink now (in the rare ocassion that I do drink).

Let's see here. Things were Chad are the usual. He holds back a lot when it comes to talking about what's bugging him. Things with his mom's health are still scary and he seems to do better when he's not talkinga bout it so that's where I'm keeping it.  I still want to go  on vacation in October but Florida seems far-fetched anymore even though less than a month ago it was totally realistic. I just don't know what life will be like in 6 months, so I feel like an asshole for wanting to plan for something that far away. It's weird things at work are falling into place but the rest of my life seems to be dangling by a string. I got promoted. I'm working A LOT. I have health insurance and the more I work the longer my paid vacation will be once I decided for the time off, but outside of work everything else scares the shit out of me. It's hard to be positive and its hard to be excited about things when people around me are looking at the 'big picture' and i'm just being selfish.


Ahh, whatever. I start my new schedule this sunday (Graveyard). Got help me. I didn't think I would go back to working nights but alas, the ER never rests. :/
 
 
 
 
 
 
i've got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match.
 
 
 
 
 
 
The No Doubt concert tickets for August 2nd burnt a freaking hole in a my pocket. I'm giving one to my sister for her birthday in a couple of weeks. I don't even think she see's it coming. I hate paramore, I don't want to see them. Arrg anyway that should be a fun night.

I'm stressing out about taking time off work. I was thinking of taking 2 weeks off in October. I don't know if it'll be approved though and I need to know so I can book flights, hotel etc. for my vacation.


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


i need sleep, or something.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 i love spring. i love the way the air smells. i thought i'd have my perfect spring this year but it doesn't seem so. chad isn't home with me. therefore things are suckage.

I've felt super sick these past two days. I'm exhausted in every way possible and I think my body is finally crashing, I can't take it. I sleep at least 6 hours a night and apparently thats not enough.


long day at work and i gotta do it all over again tomorrow. joy.
 
 
 
 
 
 

I have absolutely no life. All I do is work. I've been recently promoted, finally sealed as full time with health benefits and an increase in salary. All I've been trying to do is get as much job security as possible and I do my hardest to keep my mouth shut each and every time they fuck me over with the schedule. I've been so over worked since November it's hard to believe that April is around the corner, time is passing me by so quickly.

I'm alone. The loneliest I've felt in a long time actually. I come home and I have no one to talk to and I go to work and am surrounded by tons of people who I have no similar interests with. Absolutely nothing in common. People still think I'm weird after all this time. I feel like I've been there long enough to have my 'dues paid' but no one else seems to think so. Almost a year into the department and I still get the "you gotta pay your dues" bullshit each time a new schedule comes around. Good fucking Lord.

So, it took me about a year to feel "normal". I'm not normla by any means, yes I already know that but it took a while for me to feel as though I fit in by doing something as basic as getting up early in the morning. I had worked graveyard for so long in my other job that it was normal to go to bed at 7 a.m. I think that I've actually started to function better because of this "normal" sleeping pattern but alas, like everything else in my life it didn't freaking last.

April 12th is my mom's birthday. That's also the day I start working graveyard in the ER.
Not. By. Choice.
I felt like a psychic yesterday when Grant e-mailed me the schedule and I saw what he did. Where he placed me for an entire month. I don't like the idea. I guess, my biggest fear is that I'll like it. When I'm at work all I want to do is be invisible. I want to show up, do the work and get out of there as quickly as I can. Lately I've found it very hard to be invisible.

The social aspect of work stinks. It fucking blows. I hate the standard questions people ask when they're trying to get to know you, or get a sense of who you are. The questions are usually all the same and however short or in-depth my answers people still look at me like I'm strange. YOU CAN'T BE INVISIBLE IF YOU'RE STRANGE!


Apparently it's abnormal when you say you don't believe in marriage. It's also frowned upon when you say you don't want kids and when trying to explain why you get looked at like you're a fucking asshole.

Haha I am an asshole though, so it works out in a way.


Chad's going through a lot right now. His mom's really sick and things seem to be pretty damn stressful for him. I feel bad. I feel worse that he's going through it alone. After all work is my life right now. I feel selfish in a way. Blah, whatever.
I finally started saving up money. I have big impulsive dreams that I can finally have a hand in making a reality. It's St. Patricks day and all I want is a freaking beer. Cheers to trying not tobe so miserable.