Trying to save up for my vacation stinks. There's not enough money my bank account. Paying bills hurts my heart.

Work is stress. Life is stress. I'm dealing with it the best I can. I'm doing the best I can. My best might not be as exceptional as everyone else's but that's why it's all mine.

i feel like overdosing on music. it's been awhile since i've just gotten lost in a good cd. I need to do that. maybe it can bring me back into sanity.

Chad and I are, in the same sentence. Not much else. We're friends who are friendly who love each other no matter what but have shitty ways of showing that love.

So we just...exist.

I met him almost ten years ago and for the life of me I still can't wrap my stupid brain around the fact that sometimes it seems like we're perfect strangers. I'd kill to go back ten years and just change EVERYTHING about myself...accept the flaws that are indelible and approach our love in an open, honest manner. As opposed to the way it started. Then again we were just kids. What the fuck did I know?

All I know now is that I still feel like that kid. Awkward and ugly on the outside. Frail and damaged on the inside.

If I could go back with the knowledge I have now I'd just do it right...maybe there wouldn't be any resentment ten years later. There would be no ongoing subconscious need to hurt each other with low blows and open ended promises.

I feel sad now. And to think I was in a pleasant mood before this tiny "revelation". Granted I was also sober. Drinking numbs nothing. But sleep, ah...sleep can work wonders.


I work tonight and I need to be in a blissful state before walking into a hectic one.

Nothing can hurt me while I'm asleep.
xo