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I can never seem to just, relax. Even while I'm asleep stupid shit continues to haunt me. I'm just too stressed out. Just sick off all this shit. Paying rent, bills, working a job that doesn't pay as much as it should..all I do is work. I schedule my entire life around freaking work and it is bullshit. I have a week off coming up in May and I cannot wait. I'll be spending most of it in Vegas and I'm already worrying that I'm gonna come home SO broke.

Negative bitchiness...that's all I'm drowning in and it's all my freaking fault. Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I should be asleep right now cause I have work in less than five hours but I honestly can't even do that right. I'm just thinking too much about, everything.


Steve left a few days ago. He actually came over while I was sleeping to say goodbye which was nice but bitter sweet. I thought he was leaving on the 27th not the 24th. Oh well we had some good times in the short time he was here. We did happy hour and we played video games and made pizza's and wasted time like we used to. I wish he were back for good it's nice to have your old friends to hang out with..I still don't come close to connecting with my new friends like this. Not even close.

I am hating work right now. I am not looking forward to meeting with my boss and the ER director on Friday morning. It is total bullshit. They need to stop acting like my opinion matters, cause if it did, they'd be paying me a lot more to freaking be there. waste, waste waste of time that morning will be. I am dreading fucking Friday.


Anyway, nothing else is new/going on.

Chad and I went to big boy last night and I brought my pancakes home, I don't even know why I ordered them cause I didn't freaking want them..that's about all we did. We couldn't do anything else since I woke up too late, again on my only day off this week. story of my freaking life.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for Chad's birthday. Technically the trip to Vegas is to celebrate his birthday but I have that day off so I am hoping to get to do something awesome..we'll see.

I feel like bitch slapping someone right now..not the best of moods.
i need music.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don't want to work tonight. I had a good time yesterday and I'm way sleep deprived. I worked on Wednesday night and got home around 8 a.m. I couldn't get to sleep until about 11 and I woke up at 3 p.m. cause I'd made plans with Chad, Chely, Steve and Ricky to go to happy hour at El Torito. We met up over there at around 5:30 and had a good time. Marlene joined us and had some food and water. I kept giving her sips of my drinks and we could have pretty much ordered her one and it wouldn't have mattered since our waiter didn't card any of us but she didn't seem to want anything.

Conversation was awesome as it always is when we all get together. We made plans to go to San Diego on my weekend off (which is on the 17th and 18th) which I'm pretty excited about. After happy hour we parted ways for a little bit. We decided to meet up at the house and play video games and keep drinking. So of course I made a beer run, grabbed a 30 pack of some Mexican beer and some other shit and we played Mario Party 7 on the Wii and Street Fighter II for hours. I don't know how I managed to stay up all night but somehow I did. I fell asleep at one point for a good ten minutes and somehow managed to stay up with Chad until around 6 am. Once everyone left Chad and I had some good drunken conversation that seemed to go in every direction. Sober or drunk we'll always be on the same page and always be considerate of one another and I love that so much. It just makes me so excited to be next to him because we have way more good times than bad. Hardly ever bad really. I fell asleep at around 6:30 and woke up a couple of times aching for water but unable to get my ass up to go get it. I finally got out of bed at noon and started cleaning up the mess of paper cups, beer cans and brownies that we all left. For whatever reason when I get wasted I become an iron chef. Cause I always wanna start cooking shit. haha
I made a big batch of brownies in the middle of the night and woke up to crumbs all over the room. The Wii is still in my room, next to the xbox which is next to all the other stuff I don't know how to turn on or off.

I feel tired right now. I just got done cleaning and I'm doing some laundry. I need clean work clothes for the next four brutal nights. :/
I have Tuesday night off. We planned a "pasta day" for Tuesday we're gonna cook, drink wine and probably hang out all night all over again and I can't wait. I needed this. I work too much and don't really relax and act stupid enough anymore.

Chad told me during happy hour yesterday that there's a concert he's taking me to for my birthday. Jack Johnson. He's getting tickets for me tomorrow and I'm SO EXCITED. Most of all I'm impressed with the fact that he would dare attend since it's not his thing. I'm beaming at the thought. I better be on my best behavior for this UFC expo thing we're going to...give and take. I keep having to remind myself to just smile and go with it sometimes. hehe

I love my friends. I hate that I never see them anymore. We're just gonna make the best of these next couple of weeks before Steve's gotta go back. I can't wait til he's officially back. It won't be til next year thought but it's a great thing to look forward to. 

My back is still hurting. It never got worse it just seems to be getting better very, fucking slowly.

I believe, it is now nap time.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I have been in pain for three days now. It doesn't feel too bad right now but I started having the gnarliest back pain on Saturday on the way to take Chely out for the birthday dinner. I was driving like an asshole because of it and my back still hurts right now but not as bad. I've been putting these cold and heat patches on it and taking vicodin which seems to help A LOT. But it totally sucks. I went into work yesterday for that stupid 5 hour shift which I'll never willingly pick up again. I can't stand the morning crew and I refuse to work with those whores I'd much rather work with the mid shift at least they're actually productive. Fuck overtime. Never again. I really don't think I need it this badly. So having this weekend off didn't feel like a weekend off it totally sucked. I don't get another one til 4/17. I will await anxiously until then.

I slept through most of my sister's birthday yesterday. I couldn't help it I laid down when I got home from picking up her cake and knocked the fuck out. I woke up to find Ricky Steve and Johnny in her room and we had a good time for a few short hours. I hate what a bad friend I've become just kind of consumed by work. I hate it. I'm hoping we can all do happy hour on Thursday, just let loose or whatever.

Yesterday's earthquake freaked me out. I was parked outside of Claim Jumper and I'd reclined the seat and was trying to "relax" while waiting for 4 o'clock to come by so I could pick up the cake I'd ordered and my car just wouldn't stop moving. I'm laying there looking out the window and I'm just wobbling along. I got out of the car and lost my freaking balance so I held onto the car and was moving in slow humping motion freaked out...i hate those things.

Not much going on right now. I work tonight and I don't even want to think about it. I can't wait til Thursday only because it's my day off.

I hope I get that $250.00 bonus check from work. Like,soon.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am supposed to have this coming weekend off of work but I decided to pick up some OT on Sunday. It's only five hours and I refuse to work any more than that on that particular day (it's chely's birthday after all). I could really use the money right now. Chad and I are halfway through booking our Vegas trip. We have our UFC expo tickets and our UFC 114 match tickets already purchased. We're gonna book the room this weekend and the price went up a little bit since the last time I looked but we can't wait any longer the closer it gets to the date the worst it's gonna be. We're still gonna need to get our plane tickets and it'll be all good. So we're working as much as we can right now to just GET. IT. DONE.

There's nothing else really going on. Lately I HATE to sleep. I have nightmares every single day and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't know why my doctor said the night terrors could be due to this on-again off-again ulcer I have. I can't get rid of the stress though, for the life of me there's just too much on my mind, all the freaking time.

I had about five hours of sleep tonight but I don't work tonight so I should be fine. Steve's back in town. He got here a few days ago and he's yet to call, it's actually irritating the shit out of me. He text me yesterday asking if I wanted to smoke with him and Ricky. I won't smoke after what happened to Chad on x-mas eve. Fuck that. Anyway I declined and had to leave for work so I didn't even see him or anything but I hope I get to see him soon.

It looks like it's going to rain tonight. I hope it does. Few things can make me as happy as the rain.
 
 
 
 
 
 
It has been a long time. Several things of significance have happened and a whole lot of things that mean absolutely nothing have happened as well.

Oh where to begin? I've got no idea.

Being 24 is no better than being 23. I made zero new year's resolutions I decided I'm just gonna "surprise" myself with whatever good choices come. I am still working in the Hospital. I tried getting out of the ER two months ago. I applied for a patient placement coordinator position. I was interviewed and in less than 24 hours I was offered the job. The job entails responsibility up the ASS and the pay, well it wasn't as great as I thought it would be which is why I shot it down. My rate isn't low and the graveyard differential makes working in the ER all worth it. It's not a bad gig. I try to detach from half of the shit I see whether they bring a gun shot wound to the head victim or someone is dying in the bed that's across from my desk. I just try not to feel anything while I'm on the clock. It's harder than it looks. Anyway in two months I'll be coming on 2 years in the hospital and it's been pretty good. I can't believe I at one point wanted to be a nurse. I could never do that. I didn't know any better though I was 18 and absolutely clueless.

The only thing I absolutely hate about my job is the fact that I get sick ALL THE TIME. Some faggot from human resources said that we cant wear face masks or gloves while we work because he doesn't want employees "looking like Michael Jackson". It's a fucking hospital you piece of shit. Just because he's not the one getting coughed on. I get irritated whenever I get sick cause it'll usually last a good while and I'll need antibiotics and then I get all paranoid about the antibiotics fucking up my birth control and then life just gets WAY too dramatic in my own head. My head will always be an insane place to be.


Chad is here, has been here since August and I wouldn't call it a visit anymore. I wear my engagement ring everyday and I am completely nonchalant about the fact that we're getting hitched. It is the only thing in my life that feels completely right. I fought off all the demons, I weighed the pro and cons for years. We were on-again off-again for way too long. He is the only thing in my life I can count on to always be there, feel right and make me absolutely happy.

I've forgiven myself for a lot of the bullshit I've done over the years. A lot of the pain I've caused, etc. I think without realizing I've just become a better person.

Chad and I have been looking for a place to live for awhile. Ideally I'd like to move to Anaheim. We looked at a couple of places over there and it only made me want to live there even more. I think eventually we'll just end up in freaking Northridge or something. I really don't care as long as we stop renting from my parents lately. This house can get so suffocating but my biggest problem is that I can never sleep during the day. There is just too much noise in this house. I sleep in a series of naps and that's just cause I get so damn tired sometimes. I had 5 hours of sleep today. I think it's enough. At least, I hope it is. I might get a nap in before my shift tonight.

I wish I could go see Opeth on the 9th at the Wiltern. The last time I saw them there it was so awesome. Front row, nothing but musical drunken bliss. The last concert I went to was Dethklok a couple of months ago. I need more music in my life, it makes me a happier person.

I hope I get to travel a few times this year. Chad and I are going to Vegas in May and we'll be there for a good five days or so. I am going to Graceland in the fall with my friends Diana and Maricela. I finally found someone to go with me and I am extremely excited about that.

Nothing else going on really. My brother who is 15 now has a girlfriend and I think it's the cutest thing. Marlene is in school and constantly having drama with Ruben. I like him a lot for her, he's her best choice yet but she tends to be mean to him sometimes. Chely is doing awesome in her big fancy art school. She made the Dean's list and is getting all kinds of recognition for doing what she loves which is incredible. I've yet to take that risk. It's the self esteem of mine..it's like, nonexistant. My parents are doing well. Last year I went to Vegas with them for a weekend and It's the second time  we do that. It's a blast to just hang out with them in the casino, have a few drinks and just enjoy spending our hard earned money in the stupidest yet most acceptable way ever created. I just bought them concert tickets and they were highly overpriced but it'll be worth it. They never really do anything together so it'll be good for them.

I don't really interract with my uncle anymore, or my cousins or most of the people I used to be friends with. Time just kind of pulls you apart. I still see Ricky once in awhile and I hear from Steve once in awhile too but it's not the same. It'll never be. We're all just doing different things. Ricky seems to still be unattainble and stuck. Holding onto the "I'm gonna be a rock star" dream and doing nothing else with his life. I love him to death but his choices stink and it absolutely blows cause I know he's a lot better than what he's doing. Steve is actually home for the next month. He's got a year left and then he's home for good. It's crazy to think so much time has passed already and I feel old most of the time when I sit and think about shit like this.

I wish I were closer to more people. The few I just mentioned are really all that matter to me in my life right now. I have like, no one else. Tons of acquaintances, tons of former friends but not a lot of people close to my heart. My schedule makes it hard for me to interract with people anyway since I am up all night on most nights.

I love spring. I love when the days are sunny but not too hot and I love it when the nights are perfectly chilly. I have next weekend off of work and I want sit outside and drink some cold beer and just shoot the shit. I think I might just invite some people over and use my sister's 27th birthday as an excuse to party. It's been a long time since I had a get together.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Chad will be here in less than a week. He's visiting.

A visit is what I requested and it's better than nothing. It just sounded good. Spur of the moment. We're going to Vegas on the 19th and 20th and I'm just planning on having fun with him. I hope my moodiness and bitchiness is non existent. I also hope I won't get sick while he's here. My ear has been bugging me for about a week. I don't wanna go to my pcp cause his office opens at my bedtime and I can never get an appointment and blah.

Anyway last night at work I asked one of the docs about some ear drops I have that granny gave me and he said he had no idea what they were. "Your ears are bothering you? Let me take a look.."

He's super nice. I didn't expect it. He prescribed something called azithromycin (sp) for an infection i have on the right ear. The pain has been spreading to my head and throat these last couple of days. I'm glad I have something to take and hopefully it does the trick. I hate getting sick in any freaking way. It's such an inconvenience. All i wanna do is sleep just so I won't have to feel anything. Lame, I know.

Work kicked my ass last night. It was so busy and I enjoyed it though, I got my shiz done and it went by pretty quickly.

The ND concert was last week. That was fun. I was getting drunk during paramore not paying any attention. They're so obnoxious and we missed the sounds completely. No Doubt played a good show though that was the night my ear started hurting so freaking bad. puh, oh well.

Not a whole lot else is going on. Still trying to save money and cutting corners and all that stuff. i guess its going well. I just hope I can continue to save while Chad is here cause I need money for the vacation in october. Still have no fucking idea where I'm going.

I watched In Bruges yesterday. It was fantastic. It had three harry potter actors in it haha. I was totally clueless to that. I didn't know Collin Farrel could act, honestly I'd never seen him in much of anything but he was damn good. That film is easily one of my favorites.

Also lately I can't stop watching curb your enthusiasm on demand.

Saving money= staying in watching tv. I guess I've been doing quite well. Larry David is freaking brilliant.

its bedtime.

 
 
 
 
 
 
i feel better than i did yesterday...i feel better than i did 20 mins ago.

busy night. i'm exhausted. and it doesn't help that i'm a raging bitch when i'm on my period.

all is well now. had the greatest shower ever.

i work tonight but i'm off tomorrow. fucking yay.

i've got no plans for my day off but sometimes no plans are better then having them.

i've got a date with jacky on friday. yay. she and i don't hang out much outside of work so this should be fun. the no doubt concert is on sunday. woot.

i wish i had a camera to take pictures. i hope i will by then.

::crosses fingers::

not much else going on. doing my best at work...hoping its good enough. i'm done stressing over it.

my back has been killing me for a month now. i've been told it could be a pinched nerve. i'm fine most of the day its usually around4 or 5 am on a work day when it really starts killing and not until i get home and get into a not so painful position am i able to somewhat ignore it.

well...whatever.

i can't believei its almost august. i can't believe i'll be 24 soon. yikes. getting closer to 25. i better start working on making something of myself cause i feel like an effing loser.

its almost bedtime. i need to find my blow dryer first. i hate when people take my shit.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Trying to save up for my vacation stinks. There's not enough money my bank account. Paying bills hurts my heart.

Work is stress. Life is stress. I'm dealing with it the best I can. I'm doing the best I can. My best might not be as exceptional as everyone else's but that's why it's all mine.

i feel like overdosing on music. it's been awhile since i've just gotten lost in a good cd. I need to do that. maybe it can bring me back into sanity.

Chad and I are, in the same sentence. Not much else. We're friends who are friendly who love each other no matter what but have shitty ways of showing that love.

So we just...exist.

I met him almost ten years ago and for the life of me I still can't wrap my stupid brain around the fact that sometimes it seems like we're perfect strangers. I'd kill to go back ten years and just change EVERYTHING about myself...accept the flaws that are indelible and approach our love in an open, honest manner. As opposed to the way it started. Then again we were just kids. What the fuck did I know?

All I know now is that I still feel like that kid. Awkward and ugly on the outside. Frail and damaged on the inside.

If I could go back with the knowledge I have now I'd just do it right...maybe there wouldn't be any resentment ten years later. There would be no ongoing subconscious need to hurt each other with low blows and open ended promises.

I feel sad now. And to think I was in a pleasant mood before this tiny "revelation". Granted I was also sober. Drinking numbs nothing. But sleep, ah...sleep can work wonders.


I work tonight and I need to be in a blissful state before walking into a hectic one.

Nothing can hurt me while I'm asleep.
xo
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stop saying I'm pushing you away and just admit you've already been long gone.

He stoped loving me last year and I've been in denial ever sense.

I'm the loneliest i've ever been. With (last fall) and without him (now).
 
 
 
 
 
 
last moth was altogether bad for me. the stress at work, the bullshit at home, the self loathing within me. it was awful.

i had my first weekend off in a long time not too long ago and man did i get my ass kicked. i got sick. i don't know how it happened, i didn't even see it coming it wasn't myself for nearly a week. i must have caught some good shit from a patient at work. but eh, i'm better now. i spent that weekend in bed and forced myself to go to work that monday. eh whatever i need the money. i need to save and save and save if i want to travel. i can't wait til october that's all i know.

day four of june and i'm feeling alright. i've done some reading today and i am agreeing with this gray sky weather we're having. it's lovely.

a few days ago i took a day trip (straight after work) with diana and mary. we went to disneyland and had a blast. i needed to have some of that good old 'sober fun' that i keep forgetting exists. we went on all the 'mountain' rides and managed to keep laughing throughout the day. it was great. i must had been up for about 26 straight hours but it was worth it.

my sister's going back to school. and not that community college bullshit that everyone's doing. i know she's got it in her to become an awesome animator but its about taking the steps to get there and she's finally doing it. i'm just watching right now. watching and waiting for my inspiration. i know what i want to do. i've always known i just need to get excited about it again.

i feel like i'm slowly getting excited about living again...i'd lost that feeling for a good month there.

p diddy said it best when he was puff daddy "can't nobody take my pride" haha

great now that late 90's song is stuck in my head..again.

i work tonight but thats a good ten hours away. its time to do something productive for a change.